The Slightly Confused Woodworker

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An interview with evil woodworking instructor Yodel Vanderschnooten.


This post is an excerpt taken from an interview with fictitious, evil, alleged Nazi collaborator and woodworking instructor Yodel Vanderschnooten:

Yodel, may I call you Yodel? Firstly I would like to say that I am thrilled to meet you. How long have you been a woodworker?

Firstly, NEIN! you may not call me Yodel, and secondly, I’ve been woodworking for nearly 84 years.

Mr. Vanderschnooten, what do you think is the most important lessen you can instill into a new woodworker?

That woodworking is pain! When you leave the shop you should hate everything that you had to do while you were there. Your arms should be tired, your feet should hurt, and you should have dust and shavings in every crevice of your body.

In every crevice?

JA! If you like I will show you!

I believe you. What tools do you advocate using?

I am a purist so I don’t believe in tools. Tools are made in factories by capitalist slime. When I was apprenticed in Schmerzen Leiden we were forbidden to use tools because we were told that they are destroying the craft of woodworking. So we learned to cut and shape wood with our hands and teeth. I’ve spent many years abrading my hands on coarse stone and gravel; they are now as sharp as any saw! (Demonstrates by quickly ripping down a 2” thick maple board with the edge of his right hand) We also filed our teeth and finger nails to razor sharp keenness. In the mornings we would go to the forest and gnaw down trees for use as lumber. We would drag the tree back to the shop and rip the boards to be set aside for drying. It was quite a task for a nine year old boy! Many were injured and died on the way…

It must have been difficult to see so many of your friends die at such a young age.

Nein! They were not my friends! Woodworking is pain I said!!

I notice that at your shop that your students use regular hand tools. Is your approach to woodworking instruction softening?

The Justice Department felt that my methods were “barbaric” in their words. The government and its outrageous safety regulations are ruining woodworking I say! Still, my first lesson is sharpening. My student’s plane irons must be able to take a thin layer of human skin. If they aren’t sharp enough you can imagine the blood and screams. Believe me when I say, my student’s plane irons are sharp!

What do you say to those who claim to have no time to woodwork traditionally?

I say they are soft! If you want to woodwork you should be prepared for boredom and hours of mind numbing labor! Quit your job if you must! Or starve your children! If you work at a job other than woodworking you are nothing more than a drone that is destroying society! The only people who contribute anything meaningful to the world are artisans! You are all worthless and weak scumbags! Only professional woodworkers in medieval shops can make real furniture!!

This post was an excerpt from an interview with Yodel Vanderschnooten.

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2 Comments

  1. Jeff Branch says:

    I know this must be satire because surely there are no evil woodworking instructors out there. “…and you should have dust and shavings in every crevice of your body” – too funny. 🙂

  2. billlattpa says:

    I only wish this were satire….:)

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